This post may contain some affiliate links for your convenience (which means if you make a purchase after clicking a link I will earn a small commission to help keep my blog up and running, but it won't cost you a penny more). For more information, please read my disclosure policy.
Are you wondering how to get your sexy back now that your focus is on each other instead of the children? How to reconnect with your husband and build a stronger bond, both emotional and physical?
I think I’m not alone in saying that the first thing on my husband’s mind when the last child left home was sex.
Not romance, not walks on the beach and margaritas at sunset.
I didn’t interpret that as his not being interested in me as a person. We passed that hurdle long ago! We’ve been partners in raising our family and sustaining a relationship for years. I know he respects my intellect and he listens to my opinions about everything (well, except his garage). We are solid.
But given a totally empty house, that’s where his mind immediately went.
All over the empty house.
Oh come on, I know I’m not the only one!
But, for most women I know, we have to feel sexy before getting it on. All over the house …
Everyone wants to feel sexy and attractive but the media sometimes sends us very mixed messages, casting young women like Amy Pohler in older women roles, such as Mean Girls (when then-33-year-old Pohler plays Rachel McAdams’ mother).
Hollywood does get it right sometimes, but when they do, it’s usually a woman who is supernaturally perfect in every way. Though age-appropriate Robin Wright playing Antiope, aunt to the title character Wonder Woman, did make every middle-aged woman I know want to be an Amazon!
The women of Hollywood, they of the plastic surgery, makeup artists, and loaned couture, bear little resemblance to the lives of the women I know.
Yet, there’s a lot we can learn from them.
Whatever insecurities might hide behind their carefully groomed public facades, they project sensuality and confidence. They are sexy because they believe themselves to be.
You don’t have to be a Hollywood star to have the same confidence and poise and radiate sex appeal. You just have to believe it.
1. It begins with your mindset.
No matter what is going on with your body right now, your mind needs to own this sexy thing.
Imagine yourself at whatever age you think you were the sexiest. Now brush some life experience and hard-earned wisdom on that little teenaged-bod. Is she starting to look a little more worldly? Dare we say, sexy as hell?
Don’t open your eyes quite yet. Add another layer, this time of wrinkles and graying hair and a hint of painful experiences. Keep looking at her eyes. Still sexy. And maybe projecting a bit of world-weary sophistication. Think Catherine Deneuve or Monica Bellucci.
That’s you inside. But unlike movie stars, that sexy thing might be not be as visible because you haven’t done anything to match the outside for awhile.
Women who are over 50 (ok, young moms, 45 even) are inherently sexy. They, as Steve Martin says in Roxanne, “know things.” Young men dream of bedding an older woman because we “know things.” So embrace your age. You are sexy.
Now I will add a caveat. We are grown women and my suggestions to tap into your sexy side are just that, suggestions.
Don’t be offended by ideas to improve your looks as part of feeling sexier. Take what appeals to you and disregard the rest. Feeling sexy is being comfortable in your own skin. If flannel makes you hot, have at it, sister!
My suggestions are generic. The most important thing is to find what works for you!
2. Look at your wardrobe.
How you dress conveys how you feel about yourself. If you work in an office and want to be seen as a professional, you dress that way. Functional, fashionable, low-slung pumps and discreet jewelry, but not sexy.
Now would be a good time to do a little shopping.
Get some new clothes, of the non-workwear variety, to wear on date night or the weekend. It doesn’t have to be short or low-cut, it just has to make you feel sexy when you’re wearing it.
Put on some heels, preferably red. That last suggestion came directly from a man.
3. Peek Into Your Lingerie Drawer
If you’re a mom, I’m betting 50/50 odds that your underwear is of the utilitarian variety. And if there’s a matching bra and panty set in your drawers, they haven’t seen the light of day in years.
Buy some lingerie that fits. Something that makes you feel wonderful. Some of the better clothing stores, like Nordstroms or Macy’s have knowledgeable sales clerks that can help you with fitting and the best choice for you. Just knowing what you’re wearing under that business suit can amp the sexy factor and remind you of what’s waiting for you after work.
Just knowing what you’re wearing under that business suit can amp the sexy factor and remind you of what’s waiting for you after work.
4. Get a flattering new hairstyle and consider color.
Try a completely different style. Again, a good stylist is really important here. Rather than choosing a picture in a magazine, ask your stylist for something that will really flatter you.
If you are already coloring your hair, consider changing shades or a completely different color altogether. Again, ask your stylist for suggestions. You don’t have to go blonde or red or anything that just isn’t you.
I had been coloring my hair brown for decades. The year that my last children were leaving for college, I decided to ditch the color and let it go gray. It was quite the adventure as I went from a big skunk look (that I sprayed daily to hide it while growing out) to a short haircut that finally got the brown off. Now that it’s grown out a bit, I was able to get a more flattering cut and a toner treatment to take my hair from dull gray to sparkling silver.
I save a ton of money by not having it colored anymore and I can afford a much better stylist to shape my cut.
Does my husband love it? He likes it, but it makes me feel sexy and he loves that.
5. Shake Up Your Makeup Palette
As we get older we need less makeup, not more. But many women tend to stick to one tried-and-true look.
Go to an inexpensive makeup store like Ulta or Sephora and schedule a session with one of their makeup artists.
You don’t need to buy out everything they try on you, but you’d be amazed at the difference you’ll see with a new shade of foundation or lip color. I went from foundation to tinted moisturizer and found it to be a fresher and more youthful look.
6. Take care of the rest of your body
We are on the move, all the time, so it’s easy to forget to take care of ourselves head to toe. The little things we do for ourselves are both good for us and they make you aware of your body. And that’s sexy!
Do you love to get manicures and pedicures? Schedule a monthly visit to get both done. I type all day, so acrylic nails are not for me but I do get gel treatments to protect my brittle nails and give me 3 weeks between manicures. Paired with a good pedicure and I just float out of the salon. And yes, feeling sexy!
Wear your favorite perfume. Just because.
Get a massage. Many cities have massage schools where you can get an inexpensive treatment if a higher end massage salon is not in your budget. Massages, in and of themselves, are not sexy. Massage technicians are trained in relaxing and easing your muscles.
How you feel after a massage is sexy, though! Again, body awareness is a big part of feeling sexy.
Again, body awareness is a big part of feeling sexy.
7. Get a workout
Go for a run, do weights, workout, take a yoga or pilates class. Find some workout method that works for you. Taking care of your body is sexy.
You know what’s even sexier? Working out with your man.
So push dinner back and meet at the gym or the track. You’ll come home and shower and dinner just might get pushed even further back!
8. Sleep nude
Look, the kids aren’t home anymore. You are not going to have to jump up and run down the hall to soothe a sick child. So take advantage of that freedom and ditch the nightgown.
Sleeping nude with the person you love is sexy and very comfortable.
9. Feed your heart and soul with the things you love
You are not only your physical shell. You’re a woman who has lived her life giving 100% of your time to others.
Now is the time to care for yourself.
Read books that make you wonder. Listen to your favorite music and dance! Go to museums, or concerts, or wine tastings. You will fill your soul with things that matter to you and that you can give back out to your love.
10. Encourage your husband to do some of these things for himself too.
Sexy is a two-way street. Tell him what you like and what makes him sexy to you. Get him involved in taking better care of himself and each other, because you’re in it together and for the long haul.
Ultimately, we are doing these things for ourselves. In a good marriage, your husband will reach for you with desire even if you have no makeup on and your heels have already been kicked under the bed.
But to feel sexy is to be sexy. And we deserve that just as much as we deserve the actual sex.
All over the house.